Derek the Cleric
A very British sense of humour…
Some have said that this affable clergyman is my alter ego but that is a suggestion which I’ll strenuously deny. That said, I will confess to the charge of him being a shameless vehicle for my very British sense of humour.
Derek the Cleric began life in the 1990s as the back page cartoon for the Christian Herald newspaper. After the publication’s demise there remained a very large archive of material that seemed too good to waste.
So, in March 2010 I launched Derek the Cleric’s very own blog in which I brought to life not only Derek’s world but that of his church, St Cliff’s. In case you’ve not come across the blog I’ve included it as a feature on this website.
Followship
In time I also added Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to Derek’s media outlets and so his ‘followship’ grew.
Derek has his own merchandise range (apparently there’s still stock available), appeared as a guest columnist at Christian.co.uk answering conundrums under the guise of his ‘Ask Derek’ column and has also appeared in a book entitled ‘Does God Lol?’ sitting alongside pieces by such comedy greats as Ken Dodd, Frank Carson, Milton Jones and Tim Vine.
He’s to be found in church magazines and newsletters up and down the land and even in The Church of Ireland Gazette.
What next? In Derek’s immortal words… “Onward and upward!”
What You’ve Said About Derek the Cleric
Now read "Derek the Cleric and the Bishop’s Ultimatum"
And so it begins…
A warm welcome to my world and that of my charge, St Cliff’s. I fear that I would not be introducing myself to you had it nor been for my recent annual performance review with the bishop. Having spent the first ten minutes in silence whilst he painstakingly perused St Cliff’s less-than-satisfactory attendance figures, the bishop then proceeded to question my ability to fulfil my vicarious (or should I say, precarious) duties.
The Firmly fixed faithful
Not before time am I preparing to bid a none-too-fond farewell to the last vestiges of winter. Spring is most definitely in the air at St Cliff’s which, to tell the truth, is not the only thing. It would certainly not even have required the services of a nasally-enhanced bloodhound to have detected the disturbing aroma that has recently graced this hallowed building. I was reliably informed that Mrs Bidmarsh and her cleaning ladies had given our pews the ‘once over’ with Mr Sheen or some such branded wood-reviving agent in their usually quick-off-the-mark spring clean (it still being only early March) but, as I suspected, what they intended to use and what they actually ended up coating our ecclesiastical leg rests with were not one and the same thing.
O Mother!
Dear friends Mother’s Day fast approaches and I find that my sermon preparation for this annual fixture on the ecclesiastical calendar is laced with more than a little anxiety and much floor pacing. That this day-long celebration of all things maternal should cast such a long shadow over my normally sanguine demeanour will no doubt surprise you. Should not a man
Football is biblical!
Dear friends Oh what joy it is to read the Bible with the eyes of revelation and, more so, to discover something that has, I believe, lain hidden from others for two thousand years. I am presently employing a more relaxed method of daily Bible study which boils down to closing my eyes, opening the good book at random, running my
Pet Prayers
Dear friends A pastoral emergency has occurred. It being Wednesday, the local tradesmen (for some reason that no doubt harks back to I know not when) deem it acceptable to withdraw their labour for the duration of the afternoon of this particular day each week and thus all businesses within the parish (with the exception of Fags and Mags which
A Tad Uneasy!
Dear friends You may not be aware but I have a penchant for the pastime of rambling. The ‘great outdoors’ is medicine indeed after the sometimes claustrophobic confines of St Cliff’s and I find this leisure pursuit a most therapeutic exercise. To therefore be invited to be chaplain of the local rambling society was a most harmonious proposition – a perfect
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He missed out his other parish!
And that’s just at St Cliff’s. Not to mention the other seven churches in his Benefice….
Wot?... Nothing on Boxing Day?! whimps!!!
A WEEKLY SERIALISATION OF DEREK’S E-BOOK…
Dear friends
My mind is presently somewhat addled and I have only but myself to blame for this cranial disorder.
I share this with you en route to partaking of some much needed medication for this painful condition.
Much against my better nature, and the advice of my good lady wife I will admit, I have been reading up on the rival teachings of Arminianism (the notion that people possess free will to accept or reject salvation) and Calvinism (that God sovereignly chooses those whom he will bring to himself) in attempt to impress the theologically stunted of St Cliffs.
My good lady wife considers it the height of foolishness on my part to overtax an intellect which, to my shame, saw me having to resit my Cub Scout Astronomer badge on account of not knowing the difference between the subject in hand and its more dubious cousin, namely astrology.
The net result of this unfortunate error on my part was that I informed our all-too-easily influenced (some would say gullible) Akela that the present alignment of Ursa Minor and Saturn suggested that it was a good time to find himself a wife.
What the young Derek did not know was that his esteemed leader not only had ‘another half’ already but that the fruit of this sacred amalgamation was about to break into double figures.
If it had not been for the timely intervention of Baloo (a fervent born again Christian who even went so far as to remove the horoscope page from his daily newspaper before his wife had the chance to indulge herself in this ‘dangerous daliance’) who knows what terrible marital calamity might have ensued.
That Akela did not forsake his wife and children in pursuit of pastures new on the basis of my misguided celestial heads-up is something for which I will be eternally grateful and for which Baloo (even to this day I know him as nothing but this childish moniker) must surely take the full credit.
Anyway, here is the conundrum.
Into this much-debated doctrinal dispute (forgive me, but a penchant for all things alliterative is a particular weakness of mine), which has polarised the opinions of theologians into these two opposing camps, I am considering the dropping of a pebble in the hope of seeing what ripples it makes.
My rather clever (and somewhat cheeky, though I say it myself) conundrum is this.
Do the supporters of Arminianism have the liberty as to what they believe only because God has sovereignly chosen them to think like that in the first place?
I am calling this Calvinistic Arminianism (patent pending).
And do proponents of Calvinism hold their beliefs in sovereign election only because God has given them freewill to make such a choice?
I am calling the Arminian Calvinism (ditto).
Onward and upward
Derek
Post Scriptum. I fear that this brief foray into the realms of higher theology will rebound on me and my good lady wife will be proved right.
Onward to the medicine cupboard before my head explodes.
If you simply can't wait for next week's serialisation you can purchase a copy of the book - a mere snip at 99p - via this link: ... See MoreSee Less
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From the creator of Derek the Cleric, another humorous indulgence. Download your copy via this handy link: ... See MoreSee Less
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My favourite carol. Shush dark, shush dark. All is meditation. All is sunshine.
Love it
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